He’s 2¾ years old, has dark blond hair and beautiful hazel eyes. He is loving, and funny, and bright, and energetic. Exactly perfect.
She is 14 weeks old, has a hint of red hair and deep blue eyes. She is a sponge that takes in all around her. A little lump of perfect love.
I am afraid. I am tired and my senses feel dulled.
As much as I don’t like to say this out loud, and I never wanted to feel like this again, I think my PND is rearing it’s ugly head.
I am tearful, and pensive. I’ve not left the house with the children on my own for weeks. That in itself is shameful. I’ve not felt ‘well’ for a good few weeks, and I suppose this week I’m feeling particularly low because I have a bad cold.
My head is foggy and my mind jumbled.
I want to be more. I want to shake off this fear of going out. I don’t want to have panic attacks like I did when Big E was smaller.
I want more than anything else in the world to be a good mum to my children. To give them the childhood they deserve. I want to make memories and for them to make friends. All I am doing is holding them back.
I need to find a way out of this fog.
{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }
Ahh hon, you really need to get out of the house on a daily basis, even if it's just for a little walk, with or without the children if G is about. Our homes can really start to feel like prisons if you don't get out enough and cabin fever takes hold.
Try and get to see your GP asap as well so he/she can advise you of your next step, hopefully it will just be a preventative one.
And dare I say that some earlier nights might be in order.
Thinking of you. xx
((Hugs)) to you IM.
You ARE a good mum. The love you have for your children shines through every word you write, every beautiful photo. And love is all they need from you.
The rest will come, gradually, when you are ready. Your love for them will keep them going through the bad days, and the fog WILL lift and you'll be able to enjoy your life together more.
I haven't had PND. At least, not what I would call PND, but I do struggle, every day on and off to cope with the ups and downs of parenthood. I too get days when I just can't face going out and feel like a black cloud is hanging over my head. So I can really relate to that feeling.
I hope the fog lifts for you soon. But if it gets too much you must ask for help – there is no shame in that.
Hang in there honey x
Would also like to add that you are a fantastic mummy and certainly not holding them back!!!
I agree with VBH, a short walk around the block, pref somewhere with lots of sky, does wonders for our mood.
But please don't be down on yourself, this happens and you are there, you are Mummy and, from what I read, an excellent one who gives her childen so much. Love.
I second what Josie has said! I completely relate to how your feeling, although i've never been diagnosed with PND i still have panic attacks and days on end when i can't face the world and don't leave the house. This only makes me worse and once i've left the prison that is my home even for just a short walk that "fog" does lift! Your doing a great job and we all have down days but there's no harm in asking for help if you think you might need it. Thinking of you ((Hugs))
Laura x x
Hope you feel able to move thru feeling like this soon…..
are there any groups you can go to?
Sometimes it makes it easier to share with other mums and have fun at a group….anyone reading your blog can see from the pictures and worda that you are doing your very best to be a great mummy……
I'm not as I've said before, a mum, i admire anyone who does the hardest job in the world which also happens to be the greatest too….:>)))
Thank you ladies. xx
I actually feel better for just writing it down. I got through this before and I will again.
Just need to shake myself down and get on with it instead of procrastinating.
x
Huge hugs to you.
Recognising the signs as you have done is a huge step forward as it letting your thoughts out somewhere.
Just take one day at a time and venture out the house on a level that you are comfortable with.
Your two happy content children are a credit to you, you are clearly a great loving mummy doing your best for your children and thats all any of us can ever hope for.
Hang in there.
x
So sorry to hear you feel like this at times, I had PND after my first son and it lifted when he was about 15 months old. I identify completely with what you're saying, I convinced myself I was the worst ever mum and didn't deserve to have him. Everyone else seemed to do everything better than me. I know now it's not true and I'm relieved I didn't suffer after my second in the same way (I was worried I would). I'm sure your little ones think you're the most wonderful mummy in the world so don't worry too much about them and look after yourself too.
Hope the fog clears for you soon. Though I haven't suffered from PND I have had days when I felt unable to leave the house and panic attacks.
Children eh? Who'd have em?
Big, Big hugs too you, I agree with everything that's been said and would just add that I don't remember the times my mum took me out as a kid, but still remember her warm hugs and being surrounded by her love, get the feeling from reading your blog that your LO's will feel the same xxx
Don't feel you have to do it on your own, and don't ever feel inadequate. It certainly helps to get out if you can, but if it persists then perhaps you could try CBT – it has helped me so much after years of first PND, then depression and anxiety which went undiagnosed as I didn't seek help because I didn't want drugs. Half a dozen sessions of CBT really changed my life – so simple really, and I wish I had done this years ago!
Pomona x
I think the fact that you feel able to put these feelings down in words shows how strong you are. It is not always easy to tell others if you are feeling low. It will take time, but like you say you will get through it. Anyone reading your blog can tell you are a warm, loving, generous, caring mummy, who wants the best (and gives the best) to her children.
Keep smiling, and keep watching the little ones smile. Children's smiles and laughter are the best medicines in the world
xx
Hey, just reading this, hope you are feeling better, please take it easy, why not take a break from blogging? It is allowed you know! xxx
Linda´s last blog ..So excited…about work
Thanks Linda. It was way back in September when I was feeling like this. Hit a pretty low spot.
I’ve been up and down since for a few months but feel like I’m turning a corner at the moment, which is definitely a relief!
xxxxx