Unforgettable – A journey through miscarriage

I am a mother. A mother of a gorgeous boy and a beautiful girl.

I should be a mother of five.

Here is my journey:

2004 – We’d had a tumultuous twelve months. The previous year we had decided to start trying for a baby then, in May 2003, my mother in law was diagnosed with Glioblastoma Multiforme (terminal cancerous brain tumours). Our whole lives from that moment on were focused on my mother in law and making the time she had left the best it could be.

We put our baby making plans on hold for fear that the stress of the situation could cause problems if I fell pregnant.

Sadly, my mother in law passed away in January 2004. We were numb but felt we had to move forward with our lives

In June 2004 I fell pregnant for the first time. I’ll never forget the moment the ‘pregnant’ screen came up on my digital pregnancy test. I was overjoyed, yet totally terrified. I knew something wasn’t right.

A few days later the bleeding started. Then the terrible pain came. We were given an appointment at the EPAU (Early Pregnancy Assessment Unit) for a scan which showed a gestational sac but no baby. My HCG levels were monitored to ascertain whether there could still be a chance the baby was alive, but the levels weren’t doubling as they should have been.

I was taken in to a room, told I was miscarrying and I should go home and let it happen naturally, then was told, ‘Oh, by the way you have a bicornuate uterus.’ I asked what this meant and it’s implications. They said, ‘Go and look it up on the internet.’ No sympathy, no explanations, go home, take pain killers and google the reason your body is struggling.

I was devastated. I blamed myself. I scared myself stupid googling information on bicornuate uterus’s.

My baby was gone and I was empty, physically and emotionally.

2005 – We allowed ourselves to heal a little then fell pregnant with our second child in June 2005. We were ecstatic but very nervous. The bleeding and pain came again. By September the baby was gone. History had repeated itself.

I hated myself. I wondered if I could out my body through this process again.

2006 – New year, new start. I had managed to totally give up smoking and lose some weight. In early March I started to feel the tell tale sickness I had felt with previous pregnancies. Tentatively I did a test, and even though we had been trying, I was shocked when the test screen flashed up ‘pregnant’. I took the test downstairs and showed it to G. We looked at each other and hardly dare share any excitement. It was as if acknowledging the pregnancy would somehow jinx it.

I went to the doctors to confirm the pregnancy. The following day the bleeding came. I was numb. We got an appointment for a scan.

I remember waiting to be called into the scan room, fully expecting to be told the worst.

‘There it is,’ the sonographer said. ‘One little heartbeat.’

I let out a huge sob. It felt like my heart had just exploded out of my chest.

This baby was ALIVE. The bleeding subsided and Big E was born in November 2006.

2008 – For 6 months after having Big E I toyed with the idea of having another baby. The thought of having another miscarriage almost stopped us trying but we decided to go ahead. It took us nearly a year to fall pregnant again in March/April 2008.

As before, the bleeding came within days of confirming the pregnancy and by the end of May the baby was gone. I was given an anti-D injection because of my rhesus negative blood group.

I was determined not to let my body stop me. We tried again almost straight away and with a few weeks we were pregnant again.

This time there was no bleeding whatsoever but we were still given early scans because of my history. Every time I saw that little heart beating I knew we were all going to be fine. Little E was born May 2009.

I am a mother. A mother of a gorgeous boy and a beautiful girl.

In my heart I carry three unforgettable angels.

I am a mother of five.

Image courtesy of Copy-right-free Photos.org.UK