I knew becoming a mum would change my life, I just didn’t realise the effect it would have on my friendships…..
It’s 2005. I am 30 years old, married but as yet no children.
I am living in our little terraced house, working full time and enjoying weekends spent with friends and family.
Texts fly around all week planning the forthcoming weekend’s exploits. Where should we go? What should we wear? How many are coming? Friday night is often spent at a local hostiliery. The place is always bustling with revellers celebrating the end of another working week. Music pumps from the jukebox, cigarettes are smoked, the atmosphere is vibrant and buzzing. The drinks flow, we talk, laugh and have a blast.
Occasionally we’ll get a taxi at last orders and head off into Leeds, more often my husband will act as chauffeur taking my friends home, I’ll order a late night takeaway and crash out, hoping to be hangover free.
My social circle consists of friends and work mates. I feel I have a wide spread group of friends, many of whom I can turn to for advice or a shoulder to cry on.
Cut to:
Present day. I am 34 years old, married with two beautiful children.
I am still living in our little terraced house, I am on maternity leave and weekends are spent with family.
Somewhere along the way I seem to have lost some friends and all my workmates. There are no texts about what excitement the weekend may bring. In fact there is rarely any contact at all. Maybe it was the depression that pushed them away. Could it be my fear of using the phone? I have no idea. Most likely we’re all just busy with their lives and we drifted apart. Many friendships just fizzle out naturally over time.
I sometimes long for the odd night out, just to let my hair down and have a good old chin wag but my closest friends (ironically) live too far away.
My social circle consists of far away friends, other mums and my family. Social media applications like Facebook and Twitter keep me connected. Many of the interactions I make during a day are made on these applications. Some fleeting comments, some more in depth ‘conversations’. Sometimes the only people I will actually hold a real face to face conversation with for a whole week at a time are my family.
I often wonder how, being a mum, I would’ve coped without social media and the internet. They are my lifelines. I think it’s quite an interesting phenomenon that so many mums are drawn to parenting forums like Mumsnet and Netmums and social networking sites like Twitter and Facebook. The support, advice and friendships I have found online have been invaluable to me. And, luckily for me, some of these online friendships have become real life ones.
Even though my immediate social circle dissipated over night, motherhood and the internet extended me the opportunity to create a new social circle. One that spreads far and wide. One that allows me to meet like minded people from all over the world, and maybe even right on my doorstep.
So, whilst I look back with fond memories on past friendships, I am also glad that my life has moved on in a new direction with my oldest friends still intact.
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Speaking of social media you can find me on Facebook and Twitter.
Image courtesy of SXC
{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
Thank you for yet another post that makes me feel not quite so abnormal and not alone
someone else has an issue with the phone 
someone elses life changed dramatically with the advent of children 
someone else was depressed 
I know it might seem odd to be happy about those things and i know how much they can be horrid, but thank you for letting me know that I am not alone and for sharing that part of your life.
In the "olden" days other females would flock round the new mummy and offer advice, help, food, cleaning and other things. Today with many woman working that is just not possible. Our real communities are becoming virtual. Offering the things our hearts and soul require in a different way.
Just wanted to say that I for one am immensely glad to have 'met' you in these virtual halls. And I agree completely – my online friends (and I really do consider them friends) are now as much a source of support and friendship as my 'real life' friends. I wouldn't be without any of you and can't descibe what a difference you all make to my everyday life.
xxx
P.S. And all strangely prophetic of the Indy article!! How weird?! x
I've been reading your blog for a while and only just worked up the courage to post a comment!
Your blog is fab and I can really relate to this post, I too lost friends when my little one was born and really don't think I would have coped without my "virtual" friends! They are now some of my best friends.
Again great blog
I know exactly what you are talking about. I had a 'day off' yesterday and was surprised that life outside our little terrace seems to be going on and on. Without me.
Its the same here-I lost all my non-mummy friends within weeks of giving birth to Chrissy, then lost the others when we moved from Kent to Berkshire. I'm only just now getting back out and meeting people, as I can be really shy, and the thought of walking into a room full of unknowns scares the life out of me. But with Twitter, I can have a laugh, and still do all my chores, I find it a great thing that I can chat away with people who have the same things going on as me.
I sometimes don't know what I would do without them either.
I do find it has got a little easier now that I'm getting to know some of the school gate mothers. At least they come with children of the same age as mine, so they have similar routines and we automatically have something in common.
Thank god its not just me…because I moved about 400 miles from home just before getting married, a lot of my friends were lost.
My closest friend lived miles away and Twitter and Facebook make it easy to chat to people online, people are friendly and always there with good advise and support.
Yeah for social networking!!
I'm often asked 'what is a blog', closely followed by, 'why blog?'. Your post is a good example of why blogs are becoming so important. A sense of community (nothing wrong with a bit of gossip/information sharing!), and somewhere to let off some steam. While it might be nice to do this over the garden fence or around the photocopier, blogging and reading blogs brings you into contact with people that you'd otherwise never meet. And Twitter is great for anyone without much time on their hands, which must be why it's so popular with mothers!
Thanks for an interesting post, which I'll show to anyone who asks me the two questions I started this commment with.
I had my first one in 2002 and was one of the first of my friends to have a baby. I quickly lost all my work friends and a lot of others (some have come back since they've had children) and felt really isolated. If I'd had twitter and blogging to keep me company between my weekly NCT meet ups, I might have found it less of a struggle adjusting to being a mother. Now I love Twitter as an outlet when I'm stuck at home with three children. And even though my social circle has really widened now the children are at school and nursery, I still consider the people I know through twitter as friends.
Me too, me too! Part of the problem is that we just don't have the local communities that there were a few generations ago. Without the Internet, how would we cope? 99% of my social interactions take place online (not the phone either.. heh!) and maybe once or twice a month I might see a real life friend for a few hectic hours of baby-wrangling and snatched conversation between tantrums.
Great post!
so true, so unbelievably true.
I notice it most at Christmas. Gone are those times when I used to get tired of going to so many parties. Now we are lucky to be invited to one.
The internet and its connections is especially important for me, isolated in a culture abroad where i don't have a Mums Network to fall back on. It is crucial for me. I don't know what I'd do without it. I dare not try twitter though, I think I'd never be off it and I totally lack the self discipline to turn away from it.
As for friends, well the oldest and the best ones are still there. We might not talk for months, but we're still in touch and always will be. I'm not so bothered about the others.
I really struggle manintaining friendships now I have Sam. I'm the only one in my group of friends with a child. They don't understand that I can't drop everything and run to the pub for an all day session on a Sunday, or that a Saturday night meal requires precision planning and babysitters booked weeks in advance.
I have found such a lifeline through social networking sites. New people I've met have helped me discover a new side of me I didn't know I had. The support has been immense and they have helped to keep me sane through my lowest parenting points.
All hail Twitter/Facebook and blogs!
I totally agree with your comments on online connections and friendships. They have sustained me through the loneliness of a big move across the country, though sometimes I think they have inhibited me making the effort to make new friends IRL, I don't have time, why? Because I am online!
I recently had some good news and raced to tell my online friends before even thinking of telling my IRL friends.