Pride.
Sometimes it can be a great thing. Recognising your own achievements and those of others is something everyone should do.
Sometimes it can be destructive and and hold you back. Especially when that pride is stopping you asking for help.
My pride has been holding me back. I don’t like to ask for help. I’ll muddle along and tell you I’m fine ’til I’m blue in the face.
Where does this attitude get me? Nowhere.
Nowhere other than wading through life protesting that I can ‘do this’ all by myself.
This week all that had to stop. We had the choice of digging ourselves further into a pit or swallowing our pride and speaking up. So, we took a deep breath and told our family we couldn’t afford to buy them Christmas presents, hell, we can barely afford to buy food, fuel and clothing.
For a long time we’d been too proud to admit it, too stubborn to speak up but when all avenues had been exhausted we had to admit that we couldn’t do this alone anymore.
Don’t get me wrong, there are no secret millionaires in the family and no magic wands to be waved. But, just by speaking up the burden has been eased. They were not in the slightest bit bothered to not be receiving gifts from us. They were more concerned for our wellbeing.
My Dad and brother have offered to buy all the food we need for Christmas day, which is a weight lifted off our shoulders. And, out of the blue, without prompting or knowledge others, even virtual strangers who couldn’t possibly know our circumstances have helped us out in small ways that mean a lot to us.
It’s times like these that my faith in the human race is restored and for this I am thankful.
It’s never easy to admit that you’re not invincible. That this image you convey isn’t bullet proof. But sometimes, for the sake of your sanity, you have to let the guard down, swallow that bitter pill and allow those who want to be there for you, whatever your circumstances, do just that.
Turns out it wasn’t the bitterest pill after all.
Image courtesy of SXC
{ 38 comments… read them below or add one }
it is a hard lesson to learn. i hate asking for help too. but it does help. sounds like you have a lot of support.
Oh I am so with you on this. As you know from my previous posts money is a big issue in TheMadHouse at the moment. Eash time I have been in hospital MadDad has taken unpaid leave to look after us all, we are behind with our motgage adn everything else, I dont answer the phone and am so scared. Neither of our paretns are in a position to help us out, but sometimes just saying helps.
I wish I could do something to help, but I am not in the position to offer any cash, but I do have some clothes that MiniMad has grown out of..
Hello….
I'm sorry that you have had a hard time, we were in the same boat earlier this year.
In the end we had to ask for help as the stress was so bad.
We have lost a lot of friends because we can't do what they want to do…..so they dropped us….a handful remained…..
You're so right about it being like a weight that has benh lifted….
Hope that next year treats you kindly….
Melx
That must have been a tough call, but absolutely the right one to make. Your priority has to be your immediate family, and anyone who cares for you – *really* cares – won't care a jot that they won't get a present.
If it helps at all, and it probably doesn't! – I have been in the same boat on more than one occasions, particularly the first couple of years as a single parent.
Good luck, hope things take a turn for the better for you. x
I'm glad that you're getting some help. Christmas can get out of hand with ever expanding families. I'd like to suggest a secret santa for the 12 adults in our family, but I don't think anyone else would be keen.
Take care and fingers crossed things get better in the new year x
well done for doing it and especially well done for recognising in yourself why it was a hard thing to do. Strange that you now recognise help from virtual strangers too. I wonder if it was there all along but now you are open to accepting help, you notice it.
Counting pennies is hard and it's a difficult time of year. I hope you find some love and laughter hidden in the worries and the struggles.
*virtual hug* from a virtual stranger xx
I hope things geteasier for you soon. I am very much like you in the fact that I wont ask for help for anything, but well done for doing it.
Wow – well done for speaking up. That's such a tough situation to be in but hopefully things will seem less of a burden now everyone knows the real situation. Christmas has gone mad now with the expense involved. I hope others follow your lead and don't put themselves into more debt just to keep up appearances. Good luck.
Its so hard to do but you definitely did the right thing and I'm so pleased you're getting some help x
Sorry to hear you're having a tough time. It isn't easy when you have to count the pennies. I hope it gets better in the New Year for you all.
Many people say that "I'm sorry" is the hardest thing to say but i do not agree.
"I need help" is a hell of a lot harder. I hope things pick up for you soon!
So many people are struggling at the mo – you are not alone! I don't think there will be many gifts being exchanged this year amongst our family.
You have plenty to be proud about – concentrate on them!
I can SO relate to this. I'm in total denial about Christmas – keep putting off thinking about it. At some point I am going to have to face the fact that we have NO money for presents this year – like you we're just about scraping enough for groceries and essential bills. I just don't know where we're expected to find another couple hundred quid from.
I'm not very good at swallowing my pride either. And I'm dreading THAT conversation with the family. I think the worst thing is that they are all sooooo generous – we'll be overlaoded with presents. It feels so hard not to be able to recipricate.
Well done you for being sensible. And I really hope things pick up for you soon xxx
Well done, very brave. I just suggested Kris Kringle to my family and had to try to borrow some money from my parents (the horror of that was – well another story – and they said no, ask your grandparents- yet to do that) It is one of the hardest things in the world to do and such a relief when you do it. Well done, you were very brave, and I hope thing pick up very soon. *hug*
and good grief that sounded condescending – GAH! I cannot write coherently today. Just I hope things improve and am impressed by your courage. No one talks about anything in my family.
We have started doing secret santa in our family, it saves money and also saves people getting moutains of rubbish gifts they never wanted in the first place.
I wouldn't feel too bad as something like 75% of gifts are unwanted!
Keep what money you have for your family I'm sure you will have a great Christmas not matter what!
You did the right thing and it took a lot of courage to do so. So often pride is a heavy burden that weighs us down and grinds us into the ground.
I too felt invincible and muddled along putting on the brave face never admitting that I really needed help.
My circumstances were different from your own, my problems were not financial. Shrugging that pride off my shoulder and asking for help was the best thing I ever did.
I hope things work out for you and that Christmas will be special knowing that you do indeed have such wonderful friends and family around you.
Big hug to you! What a brave and very sensible thing to do. xxx
I am so pleased you have said something and I'm not surprised your family are understanding. They should be there for us under all circumstances. They don't need presents to know you love them.
It's such a relief when you realise you have a good family support behind you. We've been having a hard time too and had to do the same, admitting is hard but sometimes we have to step back from ourselves. Take care and I hope things get better for you in the very near future.
CJ xx
Beautifully written, pride gets in my way a lot too, I hate asking for help!
Good for you! Sounds like your priorities are in the right place and you've got the help and support of a lovely family x
Good for you. You are right, it is so hard to ask for help, to admit that you are struggling a bit, but you have so done the right thing. Your family sound as if they will be able to support you, not necessarily financially, but by being there for you. That is worth all the money in the world. Big hugs and I'm ever so in awe of you – I find asking for help the hardest thing in the world. x
Pride sucks. Sorry this is a hard Christmas for you.
There's a lot of people sharing your boat. 2010 will be better. X
You're so right. I've always found it difficult to ask for help when I need it but when you do you always find people are only too pleased and will go out of their way. I hope you have a wonderful Christmas and that things improve for you next year.
I am sure you will have a great Christmas just being with those you love xx
Toughie. But well done you.
The universe will provide and hopefully in the month of giving it will be you who receives.
Well done for being brave. It's so very tough at the mo, and so many are barely treading water (me included) I hope you get back on an even keal soon.
So glad you had the courage to say something – must be such a relief – and really hope things ease up soon. My fingers crossed for you
Hope things ease up soon – my fingers crossed for you
I'm sure it feels like a weight off now that you have said it as the pressure builds up otherwise, compounding the stress further. We can't be and do everything and sometimes, we have to ask for help. I hope things get better for you asap and sorry to hear about Big E's virus.
The people who love you do not define you because of how much money you have or haven't got. Those close to me have known the most appalling hardship this year with someone whom I love dearly having lost the roof over their family's head. I couldn't care less about presents off them for Christmas, I just want them to be well again and escape the crushing depression that has enveloped them. Love and laughter don't have to cost a penny, much love to you. Money was often very tight when I was growing up and we laughed a lot, still do. Good day. x
You've done a brave and difficult thing, one that most of us wouldn't ever be able to. Here's to hoping 2010 will be better.
I'd like to thank everyone who has responded to this post. I didn't realise it'd get such a big response!
The recession has hit so many so hard this year. I consider myself lucky. It's a sad fact that there are plenty struggling much more than us.
If this post has encouraged even one person to speak up and ease the burden just a little then something good has happened.
Thanks again everyone.
xxxxxxxx
Well done you. Really. This year we have told everyone that we can't afford much as I am on SMP and with the new baby etc things are tight… we're lucky as Mr earns well enough, but our income has been slashed in half pretty much. I think a lot of people are suffering this year, and I applaud you for saying it out loud xxx
We had the same thing happened to us last year.My husband and I are both self employed for the same company.The kids had many stocking fillers from us and all our relatives and friends got them big presents.We had to borrow continously from our parents which when you are in your 30's isn't easy to do.I hope things get better for you.
Aly
My Hodge Podge Life
It just shows we worry far too much about how people will take things and get ourselves all worked up when really all that matters is that you have a loving family around you…. anything else on top of that is just a bonus!
hey… we're having a homemade/free/recycled Christmas this year.
Have a look at http://www.uk.freecycle.org/ for some really good free stuff! We've got everything from table and chairs to books/dvds/toys for free as people want to give it to a good home. Worth a look.
I think Christmas has totally got out of hand- people's expectations are so high re presents it's ridiculous. I hope you have a lovely Christmas x x x