John Lewis are compiling ‘Rules for a Perfect Family Christmas’ on their website to gather inspiration for families in time for the festive season and have asked me if I’d like to share our family ‘rules’.
You will obey…..
The Children
I am very strict when it comes to buying presents for the children. No buying noisy toys, no psychedelic plastic carbuncles, and under no circumstances buy anything that sings anything on repeat repeatedly over and over ad nauseum.
What do you mean, “Why have I bought them a load of bright plastic tat?” I made the rule’s I’ll break ‘em at will. OK? Good.
Fun must be had at all times by the small people. It’s the law.
The Christmas Meal
Under no circumstances must anyone, anyone interfere with anything in the kitchen on Christmas Day. I will have planned each detail with military precision. You will not stir the gravy or chop a carrot. Imagine if you chopped circles instead of batons? What do you mean you want to mash the potatoes? Leave the sodding prawns alone! GET BACK IN THE LIVING ROOM!! Having a cold sweat now. Brrrrr.
Mess with my focus at your peril.
The table must be set by the husband and my brothers then I will inspect their efforts and subsequently rearrange everything. It’s my prerogative.
If I serve dinner late you will politely decline to notice and instead applaud me for my timeliness and culinary brilliance.
It is compulsory to wear a paper hat and eat as much as humanly possible during the meal. Even though I will have cooked enough for most of the street it must all be eaten. I didn’t just almost give myself a breakdown and lose a stone in sweat for nothing. Did I?
Note to self – Breathe. And relax.
The Family
The family must at all times stay out of the kitchen (please see ‘The Christmas Meal’). You will be fed bacon sandwiches for breakfast and must attempt to amuse the small people at all times.
I do not expect gifts but will accept offers to wash up after dinner (and if you don’t I will make hints until you cave in).
If you are one of my brothers or so inclined you will be required to take part in the traditional Christmas eating competition, whereby each competitor attempts to out eat the other. Usually consuming bacon sandwiches, Christmas dinner & pudding, turkey sandwiches, Bombay mix, assorted nuts, chocolates & nibbles. The winner is the last brother standing and the prize is nothing more than kudos.
The Entertainment
The entertainment mainly comes from the small people. They will probably force you to watch The Polar Express at least once and you may be required to play board games/build Lego/play trains.
Just because it is annoying, I may force you to play Charades, or 20 questions. As you are a guest in my home you will indulge me.
More likely than not we will require you to sing (badly) on SingStar.
Any activity will be done with a smile and you will at all time remember it is the season of goodwill (even when you’re losing the will).
Decorations
At some point during December I will ask the husband to put the tree up. I will then veto any effort he makes to decorate it and embark on a quest for balance and perfection.
The tree must be decorated in shades of gold. All ornaments must be evenly distributed as must the lights.
My tree is a thing of beauty and you will make appreciative Ooooo’s and Ahhhh’s when you behold it’s Christmassy gorgeousness.
So there you have my laws rules. I’m not really this bossy.
Honest…..
Image linked to its source.
{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
Ditto with the preparation of the meal and the setting of the table. Anal? Moi?
You've just described our house rules. Except my tree is decorated with white accessories. Beautiful, just beautiful.
Your Christmas tree decorating efforts sound incredibly similar to mine. It's all about balance. The kids will decorate, then I will rearrange accordingly.
And the wrap must be the same colour scheme. Pale pinks, light purples and silver only accepted. Can you imagine my dilemma when people post brightly coloured presents in all the wrong colours? Yes, they must be shoved to the back, and underneath my own as to not take away from the perfection of the tree. Of course.
I am loving these! I insist on paper hats too
Award for you over at mine.
Relieved to hear it is not just my brother who takes part in traditional Christmas eating competitions!