Dear Mummy,
Here we are again on the 21st December. This year marks the 29th anniversary since you lost your battle with leukaemia. Twenty nine years gone and you were only 29 years old. You went on the shortest day which has always felt poignant to me.
With every year that passes I am more and more aware of how young you were when you passed away. I am now five years older than you ever were. I find it hard to think that you were never as old as I am or will be, that I will experience things that you never had the opportunity to.
I will never understand why. Why was it your turn that day? Why were you so cruelly taken away from your children, husband and family, and why at Christmas?
Time is robbing me of my memories. I no longer hear your voice or recall specific expressions on your face. I have flashes like pieces of a forgotten puzzle dissolving into the mists of time. I want to be able to remember Christmas’ spent with you but by some cruel twist of fate, the first Christmas I remember is the one you were taken. The harder I try to recall a time before, the hazier the memories become.
I’m a Mummy now too. I wish you could’ve met my children, your grand children. I wish you were here to watch them grow. I wish you were here to help me to understand how to be a mother. Because, without you I feel like I’m floating in the ocean, bobbing just above the surface and gasping for breath.
I so desperately want them to feel the magic of Christmas but fear that the melancholy in me will tinge it with sadness for them too. I really want them to have the childhood that I feel bereft of. To never have to grow up before their time and to be innocent for as long as I can keep them that way. I will always do my absolute best for them as I know you did for us.
I don’t know if you ever hear me talking to you inside my head, or if there is anything beyond this life, but I hope you would be proud of me. I miss you, and I always will.
I love you Mummy,
Eleanor
xxxxxx
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**hugs** there is no comment I can leave, nothing that is right.
I hope you spend this difficult day with as many happy memories that you can muster, perhaps telling your children about your mum will jog your memory more?
My thoughts will be with you today xxx
I am so sorry to hear you had to go through such tragedy at such a young age… Keep talking to her, of course she hears you and she has been with you all the time and especially in the most important moments of your life. She will stay with you forever.
Lots of hugs and my thoughts will be with you today xxx
Christmas is a time when all of us who have lost find it hard.
Being a mother without a mother too I find I talk to her quite often and know that as my memories fade I will still talk to her.
Love and hugs for you today xx
Just wanted you to know that I was thinking of you xxx
So eloquently written. Thinking of you today x
I am sat in tears, which isnt right as this is your pain not mine. But thank you for sharing. Mothers are so precious. You will do things right for your children because you are a mother.
The pain may never dull, but you need to start breathing again. Take a deep breath, hold those children tight and slowly let it all out
Beautiful words. Big hugs e-hugs to you xxx
i sat on friday night and wrote to my father whom i lost 13 years ago ready to post on my blog ..i will keep mine in my blog book and flip him some christmas cheer instead..you are a brave woman and you mum would be very proud of you. she watches your children grow and will kiss them every night i hope you have a beautiful christmas with your very lovely family
Such a beautiful post. My grandmother who bought me up died on Boxing Day 28 years ago. Like you say the only Christmas I can remember now from my childhood is that one. I'm so sorry for your loss and much love to you all xx
Oh Ellie-
What a lovely post. Your mother would of course, be proud of you. You're a brilliant woman, wife and mother. Thank you for sharing your memories. Wishing you love and strength this Christmas. Your post is a very fitting tribute to your mother.
Karin
This must have been incredibly difficult to write. 29 is so young, and you must feel so sad to have had so much stolen from you. Hopefully writing this post will help you reminder things you've forgotten, some of the happier Christmases and other events. And, as you say, hold those children tight.
All I can do is send you love and warm wishes, lovely post – your mum would be SO proud of you x
Christmas is so difficult when you've lost a loved one, and what people who haven't lost someone can't understand is that the pain of that loss never goes away, it just gets slightly easier to bear. I lost my dad 21 years ago and I miss him as though it was yesterday. Both my sister and I wish he had been around to meet our children and the grief is sometimes overwhelming. It is great that you've written this post – a psychic friend of mine (a professional psychic, that sounds really weird!) once told me that you need to keep having conversations with the people you've lost (in your head, or written down) and I think it probably does help. Big hugs xxx
I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm certain your mum is very proud of her beautiful girl x
Ellie, thinking of you today.
L x
Hugs. xx
I have never felt loss like you have, and therefore am in no place to comment. So I have nothing to say other than that this was a beautiful post, which brought out tears for your pain, but also for the joy that you must bring your children.
(((hugs)))
beautiful sentiment. x thoughts to you
No words, but many thoughts and much love to you today xxx
(((hug))) losing someone close to you at Christmas is so painful.
((hugs)) i have tears in my eyes for you xxxxxx
I have had a rubbish day and been feeling sorry for myself but your post made me realise that I am so so lucky. I too have tears in my eyes for you. Thank you for sharing xxx
There is little I can say, but just send love from across cyberspace. And remember how much you love your children and I'm sure your wonderful mum loved you.
*hug*
What a beautiful post x
Thinking of you my love, and praying for your poor Mummy who would have given anything to have been here for you now. I'm so very sorry for your loss xx
Much love and remember that even when memories fade she'll always be a part of you forever.x
What a lovely post, full of emotion. It brought tears to my eyes. It makes you think about how precious life is. I hope that you will be able to enjoy this Christmas with your children.
Such a lovely post,lots of love to you xxxx
Beautiful post. She will always be listening. xx
Hugs hun!
Beautiful. I'm sure your mum would love this post. And I'm sure she's looking out for you and your family. x