I asked my husband not to go to work this morning, knowing full well that he had to. Knowing full well that he’d leave the house feeling guilt for having to go.
I had to try. I was just so exhausted.
I knew he was angry I’d asked, and I knew it’d put him in a tough position when he rang to ask his boss if he could swap his rest day and his boss said no, but I felt desperate. Another night of settling poorly children and not sleeping had left me utterly shattered.
As I lay in bed sandwiched between the children, I was so tired I was physically shaking. Little E coughing and whimpering in the crook of my left arm, and Big E snuggled in with his arm draped over me, coughing and twirling my hair for comfort, on my right.
All I wanted was sleep. The need was overwhelming. Yet all I could actually do was take care of my children. My instincts would let me do nothing else
I watched the beam of the headlights from the car move across the ceiling and the noise of the engine fade out of ear shot and I began to cry silent tears, so I didn’t wake the children. I kept them under the duvet with me for much longer than I should and we didn’t make it downstairs ’til almost lunch time.
The day then took it’s usual turn of events, I busied myself, fed the children, did some work, faffed about and forgot to eat lunch.
Then it happened, one minute I was at the top of the stairs and the next I was falling down them.
It’s a long, long time since I fell down the stairs. I’m certain it’s because I’m so very tired. There’s no real damage, just a few bruises and scrapes. It’s not the first time my lack of sleep has caused me injury recently. I’ve burnt my hands and arms three times in the last week.
I’m a big girl though, I’ll survive.
What I do know is that this cannot carry on. There has to be a change for the positive, I need to feel well enough to take care of myself as well as the children. I’ve physically and metaphorically hit the bottom.
The good news is – the only way is up!
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That kind of tiredness is extremely bad for your health (both physical and mental). Do you have anyone nearby to ask for help, for just one day? Family member, friend, neighbour? If you could even just get a few hours uninterrupted you’d feel so much better. Don’t feel guilty for asking your husband to take a day off to help you, even if he wasn’t able to. When is he next able to be home for a stretch of time? Can he take over the nighttime parenting duties for one night and you sleep on the sofa or something? Yes, he has to go to work but so do you and it’s not safe for you or the children to be so sleep deprived. Surely he could have one night’s bad sleep and still manage?
Big hugs darlin’ and let me know if there’s anything I can do. Wish I was closer so I could come over and help! Sending ‘get well’ vibes to you all. xxx
Noble Savage´s last blog ..Ahhh. We needed that.
Thanks for the hugs. x
There isn’t really anyone I can ask. All our families work full time and my most of my friends live in a different county. I have to say that my husband is very good at doing all he can, he alway puts them to bed and has had many a sleepless night too recently.
Oh god poor you. It is so hard coping with that lack of sleep isn’t it? When is the hubby’s next rest day? Do you not have any friends or family close by that can come and give you a break to catch up on your sleep. Even an hour would be enough to get you started wouldn’t it?
Big hugs. I’ve been there and it’s horrible.
Hugs, xx
Back at ya! x
You know what I have been there, I have done the asking, knowing it was impossible for MadDad to say yes. I have fallen down, fainted, but you are right, we are mums, we get through. We do it because we have no option. It can be so hard when family cant or wont help.
For days like this I resort to DVD’s, we all curl up and have duvet days, we even sometimes pop on a CD story in mummys bedroom and all play on the bed.
I also suffer with insomnia and in the end had to resort to pills, at least at the weekend when MadDad was arround, so I got some sleep. it made a world of difference for me.
I hope you can find some help and get some sleep.
The Mad House´s last blog ..My Most Surreal Mummy Moments
We had a DVD day today. Been nowhere, done nothing. House is a tip but heyho!
You just have to get on, no matter how tired you are. Exhausting but true.
I can’t say I didn’t know what I was signing up for
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Oh poor you.
Sleep deprivation is a recognised form of torture and (at the risk of being preachy) I really do think you need to take it seriously. Fortunately nobody was hurt in this incident, but it could so easily have been a tragedy, or one could so easily happen.
I don’t know what you’ve tried in the past, but I do think medication for a short-term period might just help you break the cycle of sleeplessness, or at least give you the rest you need to start to look at the situation more clearly and work out strategies to balance what the children need AND what you need in terms of rest and time.
I know when I’ve been on painkillers and worried about would I wake if Flea needed me I’ve temporarily used the baby monitor and turned it up LOUD next to the bed. But most sleep aids are really only effective for about an hour – they help you fall asleep, rather than putting you under for 8 hours – so the chances are you don’t sleep any more deeply than usual.
It’s so hard to think clearly and come up with coping mechanisms when you’re so tired – is there someone who could perhaps have the little ones overnight for a couple of nights while you catch up? (preferably at a really lush spa resort, while we’re dreaming….)
Take care
x
Oh believe me, I am taking it seriously. Seen the doctor, had tests. Other than the insomnia I’m apparently very healthy on paper.
I’m always joking with the husband that I must be part of some secret government sleep deprivation experiment. Just waiting for my giant pay cheque, obviously.;)
Oh and the break, luckily I have a night away with the girls planned in a couple of weeks time. Shopping, good food, drinks and a double bed all to myself. Bliss. I’m counting down the seconds….
Oh my goodness – poor you. Not getting enough sleep is crippling, being that tired during the day is debilitating.
I don’t know very much about insomnia, or its cures so can’t offer you any advice on things like that. But, would stood out for me in a big way from your post, was that you forgot to have lunch. Please, please, make sure that you eat properly. Don’t forget to have lunch, or if you do, then go back and get something to eat. It is important. You have enough to deal with without adding low blood sugar, hunger and all that not eating enough entails to the mix.
Big hugs, hope you manage to get some proper sleep soon. x
Brit In Bosnia´s last blog ..Not here today, over there instead
I ate lunch today (peanut butter on toast) because of your cmment and felt better for it, so thank you for reminding me. x
Bloody hell! I don’t know what to say, I have suffered from insomnia on and off all my life but my body just gives in to sleep after a few days so I never get that far behind.
I hope you can find out what the cause is and get it sorted quickly.
Massive hugs. xx
Apparently no obvious cause. Stuck in a cycle of depression/insomnia and the doctor can’t tell which is symptomatic of which.
It will pass…..I hope!
xxx
Oh my, that’s not good. Imagine if you’d have had Little E in your arms. Falling down the stairs while holding the baby is one of my worst fears. I’m glad you’re ok though and ‘only’ bruised. Echoing the above comments, is there no -one in your family that can take the childcare off your hands even for a few hours to let you catch up on some sleep? Being so sleep deprived is not a good place to be in, it’s so hard to think rationally, and like you say, you need to be well enough to look after yourself as well as the children. I hope you manage to get some help sorted x
One of my worst fears too. I am thankful that I only had an empty potty in my hands.
I am determined to look after myself better, I will do it!
xxx
I’m so sorry you’re going through this – I’ve been there and I remember that feeling of desperation and physically feeling like you can’t go on. I hope you can find a way to get some sleep very soon. x
ella´s last blog ..Blog confessions
The husband if off on Friday and I fully intend to lie in ’til lunch time!
This is just awful Ellie. Noble Savage has covered the points I was going to make about seeing if there is anyone else about to help you out. I know it’s easy to say that, I know I don’t have that option so maybe you don’t either. I would without doubt seek advice from your doctor. There may be things he/she can do to help. I have been on sleeping tablets myself, although they are only short term it is worth finding out what is available even if you use them just for one night and leave your husband in charge so you an catch up. You know where I am. Email or DM if I can be of any help.
Rosie Scribble´s last blog ..Lady Scribble
Thanks Rosie. Everything is in hand with the doctor, I wemt a few weeks ago then back last week. He’s keeping an eye on me
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I decided against sleeping tablets because I was worried about not hearing the kids, silly me never thought of justs trying them to catch up occasionally!
I was wondering if you would qualify for some help from Homestart or simular if there is a danger to the children with you being so exhausted ( & please don’t take that in the wrong way as I can see you are so devoted to your children). Can you ask your GP or Health Visitor if there is any support available just in the short term?
Take care and I hope things improve for you soon.
I don’t think I’m a danger (not to my children anyway), and I’m sure other mums experience this too.
On bad days we don’t go out and just relax at home, the kids love it and I ‘rest’ as much as possible.
It’s just an awful feeling isn’t it – being so tired and unable to sleep. I suffered from very bad insomnia for three months after the birth of my first child and I was a complete wreck. I presume you have spoken to your GP about it? There are things they can recommend, not just a short term solution ie sleeping pills but therapies too. In the end what did it for me was a good relaxing holiday which made me snap out of it. Someone else I know took up swimming in a big way and just physically exhausted herself – difficult I know when you have kids though. But it sounds as if you cannot go on like this.
I’d love a holiday. Sometimes these four walls are enough to drive me crazy!
I’ve recently started Zumba fitness, which although isn’t helping me sleep, has made me feel physically better.
Oh sending you virtual hugs. I really, really feel for you. Everybody has already said what I was going to say about trying to find some help – even if only for a few hours. I know it’s easy to say that when the logistics are probably far too complicated. But it really sounds as if you are at breaking point. xx
Thanks for the hugs. x
Today has been a much better day.
Oh lovely, I’ve been there and nothing is worse than night after
night of no sleep. Because DH was working and I was the SAHM it was my ‘job’ to do any nighttime parenting. However DD didn’t sleep more than 3-4 hours at a time. By the time she was two I tbh wasn’t well mentally or physically and I had to broach the subject. At first DH was royally pissed as he did all the work while I was at home enjoying our child – pah! But once I explained that couldn’t go on without at least 1-2 nights a week actual full sleep he agreed to help. In the end we put her in a camp bed in our room with him and I’d get a full night in her room. It’s a really hard conversation but has to be done. Much love xx
Awful isn’t it?
I threw a hissy fit in the night a couple of weeks ago and slepy in the 3 year olds bed and he in with the husband and Little E. Was nice just to be alone LOL! Think I might suggest this one night a week.
xxx
I haven’t anything else to say over and above what everyone else says but I really hope you can get the help you need to get over this. It’s very dangerous for you and the children. I’ve struggled to stay awake when driving before…just on normal school runs. It’s very frightening. I’m assuming you’ve seen the doctor about this?
Take care. x
Chic Mama´s last blog ..‘Be Happy’
I can’t drive so no chance of scary car incidents for me, thank goodness!
xxx
Oh, and you even fell down the stairs! I have been in that bed, begging my husband to stay home for once. It’s the loneliest feeling, isn’t it? I hope you can get creative in finding some solutions. No one can do it alone, and you shouldn’t have to.
I’m sending you big hugs and some courage. xxx
Mwa´s last blog ..Your daycare sucks: a new movie by a desperate mother
I’m feeling tired at the moment. Was half dozing holding Little A few mins ago. So can’t imagine what you going through. Hugs D x
Oh, so sorry to read this, hope you are on the way up already, xx there can’t be many mums who don’t recognise this awful situation, all I can say is put yourself first for once – and (I’m really sorry) maybe step away from the computer a bit. PLEASE DO NOT SHOUT AT ME, sending you hugs.
I wouldn’t shout at you Linda!
I really struggle with putting myself first. I just feel stupidly selfish! Must try harder.
As for t’internet sometimes it helps keep me sane!
Oh my goodness. Eat woman! (how I wish someone would whisper those sweet sweet words to me…). I’ve been called up to school twice in the last month since my muppet daughter started skipping breakfast. Her blood sugar levels had dipped so low she was out for a full 2-3 minutes the first time. Take care of yourself. That’s an order
MrsW´s last blog ..A prelude to homework
Oh you poor thing
Big big hugs & fingers crossed you can get some proper rest soon xxx
(p.s. i moved my blog again
it’s now here: http://lifewithlittledude.blogspot.com/ if you fancy a peek/re-following, and i’ve added you to my page of blogs i love, hope that’s okay? xx)
Thanks for the hugs!
Oooo, and thanks for adding me to your ‘Blogs I Love’ page. Very honoured. I’ve resubscribed to you again.
Oh my – you poor thing. This sounds awful. I feel I can’t cope if I have been deprived of just an hour of so of sleep so I really can’t imagine what you are going through. But falling down stairs is not good and you should heed it as a warning and not try to be so brave and…british about it all. Big hugs x
Selina Kingston´s last blog ..Sadness And Stupidity
I may be British but far from brave
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I’m taking action, gonna get out of this cycle once and for all!
Oh poor you – I remember that tiredness so well, and the feeling of isolation because there was no-one to step in and help. Is there anyway your hubby could take some of his annual leave for a few days? I know it’s a lot to ask but mummies need a break sometimes too – even if just for one day to re-generate themselves.
Nickie´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday
Hubby is all out of annual leave, well, he actually has a week to take but they’ve made him carry it over to next tax year because of sraff shortages
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He’s fab when he’s here, really couldn;t aske for a more hands on Dad. He even does all our washing.
I don’t have anything to add to the advice/suggestions above but just want to send my good wishes and sympathy x
Dot´s last blog ..No sing
Thanks Dot, much appreciated.
x
I have only just seen this chick – I hope you are feeling better soon.
Just wanted to send you a (hug) (a very gentle one in case you are all bruised) and say that I’m really hoping things pick up soon. I know, from my time having so little sleep albeit for different reasons, that life becomes about functioning on autopilot and sometimes you get so consumed with just keeping going that it’s hard to get perspective.
So eat. Rest when you can. Prioritise rest over everything else. Ask for help and do lots of little things to help life your spirits.
And know that you are loved and nothing lasts forever.
Hope you find a way out of this soon xx
Thanks Josie. Autopilot is my main mode some days!
This too shall pass.
Cant add much more to the lovely comments above but sending you big big hugs!
xxxxxx
I remember how desperately tired I got with my first and to a certain extent its the same with Milly now (although no where near as bad as you)
i do know from experience that although at the time you feel like the hellish tiredness will never end, time does move on and you get to a better place. I promise it will get better
Hi
I read this and, honestly, I know how *that* tiredness feels. Mine are 7, 5 and 2 now and all I will say is that it *does* get easier. I promise you that. x x x
Rebecca (aka @Boolawoola)´s last blog ..Boolawoola: @rebeccaebrown oh yes those cuddly days are nice aren’t they. At least you don’t have to worry about school runs etc (yet). xx
I’m sorry I missed this post yesterday. You seem to have acknowledged that you need help and you’re going to have to ask for it. You can’t go on being so tired all the time, maybe a pick-me-up will help temporarily, like a bottle of lucozade every now and then.
Take care of yourself for the sake of taking care of your children. But you already know that…..
CJ xx
Crystal Jigsaw´s last blog ..A Slice of Italy
oh you poor thing! I feel for you, really i do. i hope you have some friends or family close by that you can ask for help. fingers crossed they both get well soon and you get some decent sleep.
I wish there were someone I could bug, unfortunately they all work full time so it’s a rare occasion I get help, plus i feel bad ‘burdening’ them whem they need a break too.
Just to add insult to injury, Little E now has a chest infection. G’ah.
x
Poor, poor you. Sending you lots of sympathy, and a sunshine award is waiting for you over at mine, as it sounds like you could do with some sunnier times. x
YoungMummy´s last blog ..Sunshine on a rainy day
Ah thank you (for the sympathy and award).
I shall drop by later when I’ve ben to my Zumba class.
