In a short twenty five days, and ironically on my birthday, I’m due back at work after my maternity leave ends. By the time I return I will have had almost eleven glorious months at home. The days I have left as a stay at home mum are flying by, and with each passing hour I’m becoming more and more apprehensive.
My head is perpetually filled with questions and worries about logistics and leaving the children in nursery. Day and night, they circle round my mind, and I’m struggling to suppress the fear. So, in a vain attempt to clear my mind of these spiralling questions I’ve written it all down in a little poem.
The Fear
What if one morning I’m too tired to wake?
What if the children play up and I’m late?
What if they struggle to settle while there?
What if they sob and think I don’t care?
What if they both feel abandoned by me?
What if I miss them so much I could scream?
What if my focus is not on my job?
What if in panic my head becomes fogged?
What if he asks why he’s left his old friends?
What if our special bond comes to an end?
What if she suddenly stands up and walks?
What if I miss her learning to talk?
What if this guilt eats me up from inside?
What if I fall apart? Where do I hide?
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I think being a mummy is hard weather you go back to work or not. It will all be OK as it has to be, not what you want to hear, but the only words that will come. I too will be looking for work come September when Mini starts school, so it will be you I am coming to for advice. Good luck and just think, you will be able to drink hot coffee and go to the loo in peace.
The Mad House´s last blog ..Writing Workshop – What were you doing this time last year
It is hard either way, that’s for certain. I am looking forward to the ‘being me’ bit, but I’m absolutely dreading the longing and guilt. I guess it’ll get easier with time!
I’ll be here come September telling you it’ll all be fine!
xxx
There really is no “ideal” or “right” way to do this job. I’ve had a bash at them all with no appreciable difference in either the relationship with my children OR my own happiness/confidence/satisfaction. The singularly most important decision was the nursery, I looked at them all and dismissed several that better paid colleagues were happy to use (and I would not have left a dog in). If you are happy with the nursery all will be well with the world
Despite looking back to 10 years ago and honestly not remembering how the hell my older 2 were potty trained, where they learned to pedal a bike or when they started to tie their shoe laces, it hasn’t made a any difference in the “grand scheme” of things. I’m sure of that since I had to potty train, bike train and buy velcro shoes for the 4yo I have stayed at home with!
My older 2 have fond memories of the staff and their time in nursery, they remember a lot of the children who went on to different schools and even in their teens have met some through inter-school sports or parties and they have found a “connection” with them. The parents I befriended whilst dropping off at nursery were very different from the group I find myself sharing the time of day with at the school gates now I don’t work… and I know the group I am most comfortable with! Which explains why poor Paul is surrounded by teenagers all the time (with the attitude to show for it).
MrsW´s last blog ..Secret Post #1
I need to focus on that ‘grand scheme’. I sometimes get so bogged down in the worry that I can see anything beyond it.
It’s perfectly natural to worry. It is bound to feel strange at first but I’m sure you’ll all settle into your new routine and any problems that crop up along the way can be overcome.
Rosie Scribble´s last blog ..Escaping it all
I’m the queen of worry, I’m from a long line of them! You’re right. It will be fine!
x
*hugs* that is all, but I hope they help a little – am with Rosie on this one…
april´s last blog ..It’s about that time of night….
Thanks lovely. x
I would imagine this is a very normal reaction. Adjusting will happen to you all and you’ll sit down one day after work and wonder why you worried at all. With good nursery assistants your children will be just fine. And imagine their smiles when they see you at the end of the day. That will be priceless.
CJ xx
Crystal Jigsaw´s last blog ..The Passenger Seat
That’s what I’m focussing on, those momets when after a hard day I get those cuddles from them both and I know it’s all worth it.
x
I really feel for you and being totally honest even though No 1 son is at secondary school now I still have ‘what if’ days. But you’ll soon settle back into work and they’ll settle into their new routine, I promise. xxx
Liz (LivingwithKids)´s last blog ..Sunny days chasing the clouds away
I managed it when Big E was a baby. It just seems twice as hard with two, not twice as easy. I’m sure we’ll all settel, like you say. It’s just getting to that stage.
I hate all these what ifs. If only I could stop this blinking worry LOL!
I completely understand where you’re coming from! Mr B went back to work in December after 15 months of unemployment – I work two days a week and so we had to put the Bear into nursery. We had no idea how it was going to work – drop offs and pick ups and timings and the fact that the Bear is literally surviving on air most of the time and if nursery would kick off about that fact – but we found our own way pretty quickly. The Bear took a good few weeks to really settle into nursery but it’s been so worth it, he has really flourished there. And as CJ says, the smile you get at the end of the day really is amazing.
Thinking of you and hope it all goes well x
Baking Mad Mama´s last blog ..With baited breath
Thanks lovely. So glad it worked out for you and here’s hoping we can get to that balanced stage fairly easily too.
xxx
Hugs hun,
It seems like just yesterday i put N in nursery after 2 years at home with her. Took a bit of time for her and me but she adjusted fine. Now she wakes up and wants to go to nursery. She does not want to stay at home.
My biggest problem was at the beginning I wasn’t really okay with it. The minute I let go off my guilt and the what ifs everything started working out fine.
Hang in there. Your kids know you love them!
Susie´s last blog ..Unexpected is Best
Thanks Susie. I can do it, I can!
xxx
I know yuo can and we are all here for you to cry to when you need us.
Susie´s last blog ..Help is Not a 4 Letter Word
You’ll be okay. I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but you will. And so will they. But don’t go back on your actual birthday! Can you postpone it a day?
Can’t postpone it sadly
Bad timing, wage cut off, life just got in the way. What a present eh?
xxx
((hugs)) x x x x
sounds perfectly natural to me to have all these worries but you will be fine and they will be fine
sorry i have no advice as i am a SAHM until September when my career break ends…i will have been at home for 2 and a half years…not looking forward to going back and i am sure i will feel the same as you.
more (((hugs))) hope they help a littlex x x x x
Thanks for the hugs xxx
Funny how being a parent comes with so much guilt LOL!
That is just the point. Why are you feeling guilty? You love your kids. You have to be able to feed them and care for them so you work. Big deal. So they get looked after and stimulated for a few days by someone other than yourself. Again so what. Seeing different things and being in different situations is good for the kids as well.
If you can forgive yourself, treat yourself kindly and get rid of the guilt-your kids and you will be better off.
I think the bigger problem is that you like me, is just not happy in your job. If you were happy and fulfilled in your job, I don’t think you would be as unhappy or have as much guilt following you around. You need to come to grips with the fact that this is the situation. You can plan a future of what you really want to do and take steps in that direction though while still working. That is what I am doing.
Hugs!
Susie´s last blog ..Help is Not a 4 Letter Word
You described that so perfectly.
Mwa´s last blog ..This way to the freak show
Why thank you lovely. x
I am not a Mom to human children, but I actually have some of the same anxiety about leaving my pets. I know that probably sounds stupid, but I do.
I am looking for work, and I will be out of the house from 9 AM to 5 PM. I SO worry about their happiness, but then I remind myself of the good. They are loved. They love me. They have each other. I make the best out of the time we have together.
Again, I know that probably seems stupid. Animals, especially dogs, have a lot of needs, though. So, working full-time and not being able to be with them 24/7 does give me some anxiety.