Many moons ago, in a place that seems a lifetime away from the existence I now lead, I was an art student.
As a child of 9 years old I remember being asked to draw a portrait of the form tutor, one wet afternoon, and was shocked at the praise I received for my efforts. Apparently it was a very good likeness.
I’d never been told I was ‘good’ at something before, so I ran with it. Art quickly became my favourite subject. For Christmas and birthdays I was given paints, pencils, drawing pads and pastels, and as much as someone so young can, I immersed myself in the subject. Art homework was always a pleasure to complete.
When the time came to make ‘serious’ decisions about GCSE and A-Level subjects ‘Art and Design’ was the first box to be ticked. At 16, pouring over pages and pages of course information from Universities all over the UK, I knew all I wanted was to study art.
There was absolutely nothing else I could imagine myself doing.
At 18, when I arrived at university, all fresh faced and innocent, I was one of the youngest on the course. It soon became clear that naivety was not considered an endearing or workable quality by the art department. They were trying to develop a slightly dark, edgy and abstract art school style and I certainly didn’t fit their ideal.
I stuck to my guns and carried on working and challenging myself in my own way. After all, to me art was about what was inside me and not about being forced in any direction just to please others. I was branded a ‘Sunday Afternoon Painter’ by one of the tutors, and accused, wrongly, of copying by another.
I felt alienated and small. I struggled to feel any passion or pride in the work I’d done because I knew it’d never be ‘good’ enough for the people who graded it. In the end, for one reason or another, I never completed my final year and was 180 course credits short of my receiving my degree so left with a DipHE instead.
My pride in my work and ability was bruised. I no longer believed I had any talent, or that anyone would ever appreciate my work. For many years my portfolio stayed unopened in the back of a wardrobe.
It wasn’t until a few years ago, when a picture frame on our wall broke, that I felt able to display my work. In the space left by the broken picture I put up a canvas I had painted with acrylics, back in my university days. At first I was embarrassed to have it on the wall. My lack of confidence in my ability made it hard to look at something I had painted on a daily basis without feeling embarrassed.
But now, as the years have passed and I’ve become comfortable with it’s existence, I’d even dare to say these days that I feel a sense of pride that the art displayed on my living room wall is something I created. Even with all its flaws and imperfections, I’m proud that I created it.
Now all I need is the confidence (and time) to pick up those old familiar paints and pencils again and remember how to love the craft I once believed was my calling.
This post was written for The Gallery at Sticky Fingers. Pop over and join in the fun!
{ 27 comments… read them below or add one }
This is wonderful, I too felt like that at school, although I never when to uni to study art. But I was introduced to Face painting and having set up in business painting faces, I am rediscovering the joys of painting, art and expressing myself. Although my canvas wriggles and moves it also smiles and laughs when completed then walks away feeling self confident and beautiful. How great it is to have found an art form which brings so much joy to myself and others.
Such a shame that they didn’t appreciate your art, that’s the main problem with “teaching” it in my opinion; it’s entirely subjective. One person’s art is another person’s … “modern art”!
The picture is beautiful though, definitely something I would display with pride in my lounge. You should definitely take it up again, it’s really gorgeous. The colours are lovely.
.-= princess_l´s last blog ..A Photo Meme =-.
It’s a beautiful painting and you should be very proud.
.-= Nova´s last blog ..Girl’s bedrooms Interiors-Part 2 =-.
Your painting is beautiful. I love the shading and hidden nuances.
I’m suffering from the sin of Envy now. I’ve always wanted to be able to draw or paint or even doodle without people saying “what the heck is that?”
Definitely take it up again!
I ran away from my first art college (it was so up itself!) Thankfully I found another one that was more supportive. I think it’s great to have your own artwork up at home and you clearly have talent x
.-= Make do mum´s last blog ..Personalised artwork giveaway! =-.
I hope that you can find the motivation to pick it up again.
Beautiful, I love your painting.
Mostly I admire your bravery. Art is something from my past too, which I ran away from for the same reasons. It would take a great deal of courage for me to post my paintings. So I appreciate a little the guts it took to post this.
xx
.-= Josie´s last blog ..The Gallery – Pride =-.
Blimey IM, hidden depths!
Thank you so much for sharing it with us, it is fabulous and you do indeed have a talent.
Wow, really finding out a lot about people through these gallery entries! x
.-= Tara@Sticky Fingers´s last blog ..The Gallery: Gluttony =-.
Oh, you should.
I used to write when I was little, and no one ever encouraged it at all, so I stopped. Now I feel like it’s the greatest gift I’ve ever given myself. I hope you start again soon. And show us your products!
.-= Mwa´s last blog ..Birth stories, part I: the birth of Jack =-.
It’s fabulous, I am very upset at what happened you during your studies, you have an amazing talent. I hope you find your confidence again, truly you have a gift! Jen.
.-= Jen´s last blog ..How embarrassing is that! =-.
wow-you need to do that more. You are very good at it and it obviously gives you joy!
.-= Susie´s last blog ..Roll With The Punches =-.
people can be so cruel and damage your self belief so easily. You are clearly an awesome artist, and if it is something you love you should not care what others think. Do it for you and be proud of the talent you have x
.-= tiddlyompompom´s last blog ..greed =-.
This painting is so beautiful – I love the colours!
Wow Ellie that is gorgeous. It makes me so mad that you were treated that way. Your work is beautiful and light. Why should you change what comes from you just because it doesn’t suit somebody else’s ideal? Pretentious gits. Hugs to you lovely. Keep writing and keep painting.
.-= Jo Beaufoix´s last blog ..Just Sinful =-.
My son is a Junior in HS and my husband has been working for a few months at the Art Academy of Cincinnati (ohi0)….and my mother was an artist…and I was raised as a college brat w/my father as a theatre prof…
I get what you are saying…
Such tender years, I know remember as I listen/watch my son and his friends.
I LOVE your blog…came on it from Therese Borchard’s Beyond Blue blog..
please keep up the good work!
Oh, do it! That’s GORGEOUS!
Besides…arty types can get so silly about all this stuff. What appeals to one person, may not necessarily appeal to another and vice versa. It’s such a personal thing.
I have a painting I just loved so I bought it. A family member is quite the snob when it comes to art. She attends galleries all the time, and has a son who is an artist. I caught her looking at it one day, and she said, “Jodie, who is the artist of this painting? It’s *very* good.”
I replied, truthfully, “I bought it at Target.”
I think she was horrified!
You are definitely a creative person. No doubt. Your writing is fantastic, and now this too!!!
If this were Twitter, I’d now write #Jealous
.-= Jodie at Mummy Mayhem´s last blog ..School Holidays…OVER. Routine…BACK. =-.
It’s a gorgeous painting – I’d buy it!! x
.-= Caroline´s last blog ..The Gallery: Seven Deadly Sins =-.
That is simply stunning. I hope you will be inspired to keep it up x
Now here’s a post I can (sadly) relate to all too well. I am so glad you’ve come to accept your own work on your own wall, and like I have picked up my cello again (full of fear I might add, but still), I hope you find the courage to pick up your tools too, and use them like you did before.
It’s scary as hell, but you might just surprise yourself.
Well done on an AMAZING picture and fantastic post
xxx
.-= jay´s last blog ..Dear… =-.
Absolutely love the picture! Well done, please, go back to painting
))
.-= Mirka Moore´s last blog ..Brio Crane And Loads Reviewed! =-.
I’m so sorry you were undermined in this way and I really hope you manage to recapture some of that love and enthusiasm for your art. Fantastic picture and fantastic post!
I love your painting….I think the sin was on the part of your tutors…maybe not a deadly one, but bad enough. I am full of righteous indignation on your behalf
.-= veryanniemary´s last blog ..The Gallery Week 8 (already!) =-.
What a shame you were treated that way. Your picture is beautiful.
My sister is an art teacher and says that Art these days is marked entirely on how edgy/controversial the subject is and not on the actual talent of the artist. I think this is terrible.
.-= nappyvalleygirl´s last blog ..Partying Long Island style – and a slightly surreal weekend =-.
Get back at it. Just because you didnt fit their ideal it doesnt mean you dont have talent. because you clearly do. xx
.-= MummyTips´s last blog ..My Name is Sian and I am an addict…. =-.
I have a friend almost 50 who has gone back to Art school and is due to finish this year. She’s found it a fairly harrowing experience too and is questioning her talents more than ever. Perhaps art is best left untaught and just experienced. You deserve to start painting again. Hope you do.
I don’t think this is pride. I think this is amazing openness and honesty. With us and with yourself. I also think it’s bravery and talent. Thank you, well done, and yah boo sucks to the idiotic teachers.
.-= Plan B´s last blog ..Oh help! What’s for lunch? =-.
Great story, I understand, art was my thing too until doing it at university, what I created didn’t fit their ideas so on leaving uni I couldn’t create any more.
until last year (10 years later) when I inherited some watercolour paints and I started painting pretty things again, just for me and for no other reason but pure pleasure.
Your art is great and if makes you happy, that’s what counts, then go create.
.-= Emily´s last blog ..Clothes and shoes =-.